These Nasty Toes

You know that saying, "moms can't run on fumes, you have to refuel or you'll stop running all together" (& will crash into a concrete wall-my concept). Well yesterday was one of those days where it felt like I was running on fumes.

I just want to vow to myself right now to never forget how desperate moments can be with small children. To never forget that it wasn't easy. There hasn't been an easy day since the new addition has arrived. There has been less hard but never not hard. 

My refuel came when I had to wake my poor husband up early from sleeping (he's working nights) because both kids were screaming again & I just couldn't handle it any longer, especially on 3 hours of broken up sleep. I just couldn't. I refused to yell at my 2yr old any more for not listening to me. I refused to let my infant see me cry anymore as I fed him. So, as I'm streaming tears & getting dressed for my escape I see my toes. These nasty looking toes. I cringe every time I look down at them... the toenail polish we are seeing is left over from the day of my baby shower. I was 8 months pregnant when I got that pedicure. The baby is 9 weeks today. Now, I'm NOT the woman that gets a pedicure every 2 weeks, or even every month. But let's be honest. A pedicure is relaxing & it makes you feel good to not have your toes looking like... this. I have not gone to get one because of A) Freedom. When I do get a babysitter, it's to either go pick up groceries or take a nap. B) Money. Every time I think about trying to plan to get one, I feel guilty. I'm on maternity leave that is unpaid for 12 weeks. I would feel guilty taking $40 from my family when we could use it right now.

The only attention my toenails have received recently was being trimmed because they were so long that they started to hurt wearing sneakers. And let's face it, that went went on way too long! 

What these toes made me realize is that not only do we run on fumes, sometimes we straight up neglect ourselves. Bathing, shaving, washing our hair, dressing nice, putting on make-up, flossing, etc. I'm sure some think that I could find the time to bathe. Yes, I could... but at what expense? Are both kids finally docile at the same time so I can semi-clean this disgusting house or wash bottles before they're all dirty? Are they sleeping AT THE SAME TIME so I can finally rest my eyes for 30 mins? Trust me, when you're sleep deprived, you will choose sleep over bathing. Just being real here. 

On my escape to pick up groceries yesterday, I took my precious time. I cried & prayed on the way there & on the way back. I didn't listen to the radio, just the road noise. I couldn't stand the thought of hearing another human being's voice! I wondered if my anxiety is coming back & it gave me even more anxiety to think about that. I don't feel like this every day, just on the no sleep combined with when both babies are hard to deal with days.

When I hit my breaking point yesterday, I had help here. I had just bathed! And SHAVED. I was brushing my hair in my bathroom when I hear both my kids screaming bloody murder. My husband tells me to ask for help & I tell him it's not worth it. But because it had been an overwhelming morning & the no sleep... (I could explain it but really only mothers in the midst of get where I'm coming from right now)... I finally ask for help. Then I wish I hadn't.

My kids are hard or so they say. People can't handle them it seems. I think they've just forgotten what a toddler acts like (she throws fits, doesn't listen well, challenges everything you say- example:the sky is NOT blue & her fav word is NO!)  & that a 2 month old can get fussy ( babies cry ??? What ?!!!). Most of the time it ends up being more of an inconvenience for someone to help. Again, just being real. I had to wake him up early anyways & I couldn't have the meltdown that I really needed to because there was a family member in my home that I didn't have papers on.

I had started my day off right by reading some devotions & scripture. My mistake was, not having enough time in prayer. I end up getting frustrated if the babies are awake when I try to pray because I can't control my own thoughts due to the noise. Much less connect with God. I know I could handle things better if I was able to give more time in prayer. All I can do is try again, every day. I know HE is truly my refuel. 

I have to figure this out, I know I will. It's just not easy. Guilt comes from every angle. I feel guilty for loving my son so much & that my daughter doesn't get as much of me anymore. Then I feel guilty for wishing it could be the way it used to be with my daughter. I miss our connection & her being happy most of the time. I know that she has entered her terrible two's but I also realize that the new baby has completely rocked her world. Then I feel guilty for being stressed out from these beautiful tiny humans. That's just the first car on the guilty train that I captain. 

I have to accept that I am not exempt from emotion no matter what. Just because I need a break sometimes doesn't mean I'm ungrateful for my children or the fact that they are healthy. 

My husband came in this morning from work & has taken my daughter to daycare. I'm sitting here with a sleeping baby in my arms in a quiet house. That's how I'm able to type this. It helps me so much to get this out. Here's my prayer for me & anyone dealing with feelings like this. 

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the quiet You're giving me right now. Thank you for letting me escape to refuel yesterday. Thank you for keeping me sane. Please gently remind me to turn to you when I am losing strength, no matter the noise. My hope & peace come from You alone. Please help me to seek help where I need it, unashamed & without regret. Please help me be the wife & mother You've called me to be. I feel like I'm letting You & my family down when I have those horrible days. Please help me to feel more than adequate during the times where feelings of failure overwhelm me. Thank you for this outlet you have given me. Please allow it to help another struggling mom to relate to my pain & know that she's not alone. Help her to turn to you, Lord. 

In Your holy name, Amen.