Breastfeeding: What's the big deal?

Well, it was a huge deal to me. 

And I failed. 

I was going to breastfeed no matter what. I prepared throughout my pregnancy by attending classes and reading articles on pushing through difficulties. I researched every aspect of breastfeeding. It is something I wanted for Emry's health, the bonding experience and to save money.

Due to laboring so long I had a lot of fluid on my body. I was told the fluid made my nipples more flat than they already were (I know, the word "nipple" is gross). I was determined not to give up. I even told the doctor and nurses not to give her a bottle or pacifier to prevent nipple confusion. I had read up on all manner of nipples & how women had overcome with different treatments. I had a great lactation consultant, she told me I had good technique but that my nips needed a little more help. Even in immense pain I woke up in the hospital every 2 hours to feed Emry. She would only latch for a minute or two at a time. Every short time that she did, I held my breath. That bonding experience was quite a high. The lactation consultant suggested I bring my breast pump in to help. I would pump for up to 5 minutes on each breast to bring these shy nips out, then quickly move Emry in place of the pump. It helped some, she latched a little better. I also used a shield, which is basically a plastic nipple that went over mine. It did not help much. Emry would not take to it. It was painful too, so we did not try long with the shield. Another problem we faced was that my milk hadn't come in yet. I was only producing colostrum. The doctor encouraged me to be patient. Easier said than done when you have an infant screaming constantly and burning calories by the second. 

Bless it!

                       

We stayed 3 nights in the hospital and were finally able to leave on the afternoon of the 4th day. Emry Sage weighed a whopping 8lbs, 14oz when she was born. By the time we left she had lost down to 8lb, 6oz. I was told it was normal for babies to lose that much. We made it home which was awesome and scary at the same time! No nurse, no lactation consultant. Just Brad, myself, the baby and God. The routine commenced... Pump for 5, feed for an hour or so and repeat less than an hour later. Some people do not realize that when the baby eats every 2 hours that it's 2 hours from when they started feeding. Not when they stopped. Crazy, right? Especially when newborns eat for more than an hour most of the time! On top of recovery from being sawed in half, gutted and sewed back up... It was hard. I could not even bear to get out of bed on my own for a couple of days after being home. I needed major rest but that was not possible. The next day (day 5) my milk finally trickled in. I was so happy! Also kinda weirded out because let's be honest..milk was coming from my body. I thought it would be much better now but we were still having our latch issues. She would only stay on for a few minutes at a time. After an hour of struggling she would tire out from crying. It was overwhelmingly painful. Emotionally and physically. To watch her battle with these cursed nipples was pure hell. I ached for her to just stay on sucking but she never did. I had started dripping formula off my nipple and into her mouth to try and substitute without giving up on breastfeeding. She cried constantly which made me a wreck! 

Nothing breaks a mom's heart like her baby crying! 

We went to the hospital for our 2 day check up. It was a painful trip. Car rides are no fun after a section. Plus, I happen to live on the bumpiest road in our county. We made it though, on Thanksgiving Eve. The NP was very nice. Zero jaundice...Yay! Then she weighed her. The look on her face was not good. My heart started wrenching. My poor baby had lost over a pound since she was born. Down to 7lbs, 12oz. I was heartbroken. She asked our routine and I explained what we had been doing. I broke down. I tried to stop but I couldn't control the tears. I was starving my baby. I thought she might cry with me when she told me that I couldn't do this to myself. The NP was worried about me as much as Emry. She said we had to figure out another plan and wanted to know if I was dead set on breast only. I told her that I was before but now all that I cared about was Emry's health. She fed her a bottle of formula right there and Emry sucked it down. She ate almost the entire 2 ounces. Wow, I really had starved my baby. I felt like the worst mother in the world. After drying my eyes up, I felt relief. This was not what it was supposed to be like, it was going to get better. The new plan was to pump every 3 hours and feed her breast milk by bottle. The NP encouraged formula at night so Emry and I both would get more rest. She also said we had to come back the very next day to weigh her again.  Making us come on Thanksgiving... She was really worried about her. We returned the next day and she had gained 7 ounces in 24 hours! Our hearts sang. We were clear to go home until our 2 week check up. We were all in much better spirits! I say "we", because my husband was there for it all. He wanted to take my pain away but he couldn't. He made up for that by never leaving our side and waiting on us constantly. He is the greatest man alive and I could not have made it without him.

A very emotional 2 day check up

She was completely satisfied after that bottle. What a beautiful sight!

Our new routine was better. Still exhausting, but better. I pumped for half an hour then fed the baby. It was all very time consuming. Pumping was not pleasant. The first few pulls were quite painful. Then it would settle in and was not so bad. In a half hour my milk would pretty much stop on its own. I usually produced right under 2 ounces. Perfect for now. The pump parts had to be washed after every use, which consumed even more time. My husband washed breast pump parts 4-6 times a day for me. He never complained. What an angel! You know that is every mans dream! It was hard to stay on the pumping schedule when visitors were coming in and out all the time. Therefore I missed quite a few.  It was a relief to skip a few pumping sessions though. I needed the break. 

Tired Mommy

A sad night came. Brad was called in to work after almost 2 weeks of being home with us. It was a surprise because he was not scheduled and had been so caught up with events that he forgot he was on call. I freaked out. I was furious! I was not prepared. I thought I had a couple of days before he went back, not a couple of hours! I decided it was easier to just be angry than to admit how scared I was. I had family and friends offer to stay the night with me but I refused. I can be stubborn like that. It was hard having to bend over to pick her up (against doctors orders) and do everything myself. A lot of pain but we survived. I know it was torture for him leaving us and seeing me in that emotional state. By the next morning I was just happy to see him and way too tired to stay angry. Him being back at work full time meant I was mostly going to be on my own. I missed more pumping and supplemented formula instead. I remember the last time I pumped was for over 30 minutes and had only produced 2 drops. I knew I was giving up and I sat there in tears. I had promised myself before having the baby that I would not feel guilty if breastfeeding did not work out. The repetitiveness of pumping, feeding, washing pump parts (on top of bottles now too) and all of other the other stuff involved in taking care of a newborn had taken a toll on me. Plus the grueling recovery. I told myself that it was okay and packed the pump up. What a burden lifted! 

I refuse to feel guilty or to feel bad when other moms say things like "breast is best". Yes, we all know that. Some moms it comes super easy to, some have long nipples made just for breast feeding. Some moms struggle like I did but keep going... My hat is off to them! Breastfeeding is all over social media. It's easy to feel judged if you see message boards about how formula is "poison". Stay away from that negativity! I am happy for the moms that celebrate their breastfeeding milestones because I can appreciate the sacrifice they have given. Even if they did not go through the struggle I did, it is still a huge deal during this day and time. And to the working mom doing it all? You really are superwoman. We all are though, one mom is not better than the other because of that. We are all doing our best. We are all superheroes to our children! I will not ponder on why it did not work for us and how unfair it may seem. Instead, I will rejoice in the fact that it is 2015 and I can use formula that has as many nutrients as breast milk. No, it's not the same but my baby is healthy and is not going hungry. She does not have a mom who is going off the deep end from the stress of it all either! I can go to a store and get this blessing of formula. I do not have to search for another breastfeeding mom to feed my child like in the old days. People sometimes say, "It's worked for centuries!" but they may not realize the babies that have actually starved to death because of breastfeeding issues or milk drying up. They may not take into consideration how much the population has grown which makes these problems more widespread. Or the fact that women are more open now than ever about these problems. 

Some may say I'm selfish but I know I gave it my best effort! I'm glad she got the "healthy" stuff. I'm thankful I was able to do it as long as I did. I'm thankful for my determination. I'm thankful for supportive friends and family who encouraged me. God bless all moms. The ones who never wanted to breastfeed, the ones who gave it their all but failed and the successful ones. We need to unite instead of competing or judging! Never let anyone make you feel guilty. Milk does not make a mom. Love does!