The loaded question: How's it feel to be a stay at home mom?

I am asked this on a regular basis. I always answer, "I love it, but ______." Depending on how it's been going lately determines what fills the blank space. Today it would be, "I'm sleep deprived and borderline insane." 

In the last 24 hours I've had about 5 hours of sleep... and that wasn't all together. My baby has yet to turn into a good sleeper. We've had several 7/8 hour nights of sleep without interruption, they were glorious!!! I didn't realize how little sleep I could "function" on. I had a breakdown last night at 2am when Emry woke up for the 3rd time since I first put her down at 11:45. Bless her heart and bless mine. I know the long sleeping nights are coming but it's hard to see the pot of gold at the end of the sleepless rainbow when it's 2am the next night and still no sleep for me. She just slept for 2 hours and I slept none. I'm so tired that my mind won't turn off. Exhaustion at its finest! My husband helps at night when he's not working which adds up to about a week broken up over a month. I don't know what I'd do without that break. If you have a little one that sleeps all night then thank God for it. I know you still have it hard and about lose it at times. We all do. But you sure can handle those moments a lot better with sleep. I know because I can tell what a different mom and wife I am when I'm rested. 

When I became pregnant I immediately started thinking about childcare. Researching top of the line daycare facilities, asking opinions of moms on the ladies in our area that keep kids and feeling friends and family members out that may be able to watch the baby. Never satisfied, I was already saddened to leave her when we didn't even know she was a her! My husband and I discussed me staying at home often, prayed about it a lot and decided we would wait until after she was born to decide. Could we make it on just his income? It was really terrifying. I didn't know if I was cut out to be a stay at home mom. I've worked since I was 15 years old! I wouldn't know or at least have an idea until I experienced maternity leave. I didn't want to give up the amazing job I had for over 7 years. I worked in an office full of women, so, it was no bed of roses all the time but I worked 4 days a week with a nice full-time salary, paid benefits and lenient bosses. I noticed throughout my pregnancy that it was always on my mind. I had grown so much in that job, not only the experience I gained in the medical insurance field but in life as well. It was gonna be a hard pill to swallow if I gave up a job like that in this day and time.

When the time came and our little girl was born I knew I couldn't leave her. It was scary and liberating all at the same time. God granted us peace over our finances and I accepted my new role in life with joy! But oh how hard it was to tell my bosses that I wouldn't be coming back! I was blessed to work for christian people. They weren't angry I was leaving! I was told I would be greatly missed but that it was wonderful that I could stay home with her. They were truly happy for me! They would love for me to come work there again in the future. It was a huge relief and showed me even more that this was God's plan for me. 

If you decided to work and be a mother, either out of financial necessity or because your career fulfills you in ways that staying home all day can't... That's your prerogative. Only you know what's best for your family! If working makes you a better mom, do it! Don't feel guilty or judged because of some one's rude comments. We all have separate personalities with separate convictions. Some women can't fathom how I do it... I choose not to judge them because they mother different than I. If your children aren't neglected, no one else has any say in the matter. 

I've had a lot of mixed reactions from people when they discover I'm staying home. Some are happy for me and glad that I am able to do this for my daughter. Some are envious and are not happy for me. Some are envious AND happy for me. Some tell me that they couldn't do it. Some pity me because I'm "stuck" in the house with a baby all day. I take in all the reactions. It's rare these days to see stay at home moms so there is usually a reaction. Good or bad, I take it all in. Whatever your feelings are on working moms or stay at home moms, I encourage you to bless them. Pray for them. There are so many articles of "what not to say" to each set of moms. All created out of anger and guilt. We all feel judged and guilty at different times for different things. It shouldn't be this way. We must bond together and know that we are doing our best as mothers.

Since starting this journey I've gained much respect for mothers. All Mothers. Especially mine! Ha! The ones who work and the ones who stay at home. We each face our own set of daily challenges but we are all the same. I was talking earlier with a friend who was having a stressful mommy moment. She has a baby a few weeks older than mine that sleeps 12 hours a night! But she reminded me that we all have our moments of despair. I'm thankful that she can vent to me and I can spill out all my frustrations to her. I've bonded with so many women who I never thought I would. Being mothers connects us all. Be there for one another... We all need it!

Our little sleepless beauty brings me indescribable joy and fulfillment! When I lost it and was crying at 2am last night she smiled at me so big. I smiled back through the tears. I count my blessings... Sometimes after I've had the graceless meltdown. I've seen friends babies suffer through painful acid reflux, illness and tragedy. I can't complain too much. She is healthy! So, with God and my husbands help, I can make it through this trial.